The Watermelon Suicide Mission

I just realized I have not updated my writing blog in months and that's just plain sad. All these funny things happen to me just beg to be written down for someone's reading pleasure! Since the last blog was about shopping, perhaps we should continue the theme with a memorable shopping adventure at our local Safeway store a few years ago.

You may not know this, but your shopping cart will only work while you are inside of Safeway. If you load your cart up and try and take a runner out the front door without paying, that puppy will lock up tighter than daddy's wallet on allowance day.

Now, I was thinking on this particular day, if you were smart, you'd just pick up the goods and run/walk/saunter out that auto door and no one would be the wiser, right? Well, except if I chose to take things I hadn't paid for and I'd have to return the items to the store immediately before my conscience locked up on me. But I digress.

I had no children with me on this particular shopping day. Just myself and a hot cuppa coffee from Starbucks, which is why I shop at Safeway, even after this particular shopping day was over. I picked up some fresh bread and pasta for dinner and then headed over for milk (we always need milk no matter how much I purchase). Last on my list was a green salad so I headed to the produce aisle and noted the price of the seedless watermelons were really low and  how good would that be with my spaghetti feast?

I thumped and tapped and made a good show of picking out the perfect, juiciest watermelon. I gently set him in the child seat in the front of the cart and proceeded to the check out.

The lines were long at the regular registers but I'm one of those strange people who love the self check aisle. If a child is with me, they touch the scale or sit on the place the groceries go after being scanned and the machine locks up, the red alarm light on the top of the machine starts spinning and the machine keeps screaming, "item removed from bagging area, replace this item." I even imagine the voice emitting a loud, "you messed up the machine!!!!"

This time though, it went perfectly as planned. I scanned and placed those yummy looking dinner ingredients in my own reusable bag. Then I picked up the watermelon and turned to place him on the scale and this is where the story goes terrible wrong and does not end well for the poor melon. This watermelon was NOT leaving the store, he slipped, end over end and to my horror, splattered and smashed his red innards all over me, the machine, and the shoes of the customer behind me.

Can you say, "Clean up on aisle . . ." What aisle is that? Clean up at the register, some fool just murdered a melon? Anyway, the very nice clerk was right there with a mop and the poor, dead, suicidal watermelon was carefully cleansed from the surfaces and the clerk said just go and pick one out. My receipt was good enough to just leave after that.

So, I wheeled the cart around and headed back to the melon aisle. This time I picked up one I remembered from before, not even whispering what happened to his brother melon. I firmly wedged him into the child seat and headed for the exit, quickly since the front of my pants were covered in red, juicy melon guts.

That's when chaos broke out and I realized that the wheels of these special, shop lift proof carts, can only be unlocked once you pass the register. In the self check aisle, that would be the main register where they can help you, if say, you decide to toss a melon on the ground (I swear he jumped).

The cart wheels locked up. Flashing red lights over both of the automated doors started swirling and the very annoyed voice that stops shoplifters in their tracks, clearly stated I needed to return to the nearest register to complete my purchase. I felt like a huge arrow was pointing at me and declaring me watermelon killer thief!

Luckily the staff at Safeway are incredibly nice and when I explained that I was just replacing a suicidal watermelon, my cart was kindly unlocked and I was free to go.

When I got home I decided to not wait for dinner to sample some fresh watermelon, I dug into my juicy watermelon with a sharp knife and a spoon. I was taking no chances there would be another melon suicide on MY watch.